productofsystem

i remember when i was a kid and i thought it was funny when my uncle or friends' parents would talk about how the government was watching us. they were listening to our phone conversations or there was a camera in the tv set. or that garbage men reported what everyone threw away. well it isn't funny anymore. now that i know the government is watching me. google gives the GOV whatever they want. who is searching for what. go to a library, don't check out hitler's little book. that automatically is reported. along with many others. don't even talk on a cell phone unless you're cool with every thing you say being possibly heard by a third party. the shitty thing is that this is all legal now. it has always happened, but now it is legal. we allow this. for what? a warm blanket. as long as the government makes the world colder and the blankets warmer, we'll never get out of bed. fuck. we are all fucked. billions are spent on this. while states in this country of a worse literacy rate than some THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES. and homelessness runs rampant. and colleges are corporations. man... how are we allowing this?

my stomach hurts every time raechel comes to town. it's painful. i guess i'm just too immature to handle it. or maybe it's completely fucking natural. either way. gag...

you are all so fucking material. all of you out there. almost crying when an ipod is lost. 15 dollar lip gloss. 100 dollar shirts. too many shirts, shoes, skirts, jackets, dresses. ahhhhh. i don't have much. when i had 32,000 dollars i didn't have much either. i spent my money on food and drugs. that's not good either. i was extremely generous. i didn't track people down and remind them of money they owed me and shit. i want to look presentable enough when i go out that maybe someone will find me attractive. but i don't have to be up on fashion and say shit like "those pants are 5 years out of fashion" to be liked. maybe i don't use my time wisely or positively. but channels like STYLE are a fucking joke and show how fucking sad our species is. i know this is crazed and doesn't really make sense. but come on!! what the fuck is wrong with us? people say i don't care about things. i'm too apathetic. well the rest of the world just cares too much about fucking everything. fuck me fuck you. stop caring about stupid shit!!!!!!!!

Whatever path we're on, is the right path. That doesn't mean it's the best path though. It's just RIGHT.

when the fuck is everyone going to grow the fuck up? shit... evryone says i cause all the trouble with people. well, besides my girlfriend (which is normal) and one other person... what problems do i create. it's the people who constantly have some kind of drama or beef with someone (anyone) who are the source of headaches. i'm not saying some of the stuff i have done hasn't cause like a tidal wave of shit. i know i am guilty of that. besides that, i don't do this get mad,be friends, get mad, be friends, fucking bullshit. and most of my friends don't either. there's a few that do though. well i am fucking done. stop ruining my attempt at a smile. good christ. and if anyone still reads this and cares,leave rae alone for fucks sake. she's not trying to cause shit with anyone. why can't someone be excited about seeing a friend. no ulterior motives, just being happy and sharing. and then when that friend is having a bad night, that someone goes to the friend to comfort her, as a friend should, but gets defaced on myspace for all to see. fuck, i am sick of this bullshit, everyone has their vices, raechel's only crime is dating me. i'm not trying to piss anyone off, i just want this to end. how many people have to cry and get mad over stupid ass shit. grow up, and that goes for me too

all of us have aspirations, dreams, whatever. some of us are working towards those dreams. those doing that might meet failure, might meet success. some of us have already begun to realize their dreams. then there's the rest of us. not in school, drinking, bullshiting. people say i do nothing productive. they're right, i know. a lot of my friends are that way. mack, jake, dyl, colin... there are more. all of drink, work, watch tv, and jack off. colin atleast bikes and shit. but that isn't productive really. i read!!! fuck all. i think we all say to ourselves, "yeah, i'm goin back to school." well, i hope so. but then how productive is school. oooohhhh i got a business major. i'm going to go assistant manage somewhere. fuck that. i could go work for UPS, stick it out for a 8 years, be a driver, and retire at 55 a millionaire. i mean who needs a 4 year degree. i work along side a bunch of college grads at o'chucks. it's almost like you've either got to totally bust your ass or get lucky. i banking on luck.

lieing in my bed after a another wasted night, reading vonnegut, i came to 2 conclusions. i hate all my friends. i hate myself. it's not that i don't love all of them, i do. i also hate them is all. i can't yet describe it. not in any comprehensible way that is. i talked to joel, an old friend of mine, tonight. after a few minutes, i realized i had nothing to say. what the fuck? am i that boring? i have nothing to say to anyone ever. yeah, i can talk about movies, or music, or whatever the fuck. but who the fuck can't? yeah, some people can't talk philosophy, well i can't talk about headers and mufflers and pistons and shit. i had a beer thrown at my head and got punched in the face tonight. i wonder why i never left. i've wanted to for so long, and then i just got used to my shitty existence. i have nothing to say. i hang out with people every night. even if i don't, then rae's there. i can't think under these circumstances. i can't remember having a thought. i'll never get on with my life living like this. something needs a fixing. i'm afraid i'll go nuts if left to my own devices. i'm not even sure if that would be a bad thing. well, i'm done feeling sorry for myself now, hasta.

i feel like we're all growing up to be yuppies. the kind of people who go thrifting and sit at coffee houses, saying things like, "that was wonderfully tacky," in refernce to a fucking kiosk selling rabbit's feet in our favorite part of town. run on sentence much. i don't think i punctuated it correctly either. anyway, i'm not sure where i'm going with this. yuppies, yippy

holy shit, i know it seems like i only write about shit in this thing, but good christ almighty, what a week. EVICTED fucking evicted. not the end of the world, but there's only so much a guy can take before he loses it. for the last year, i've been coming closer and closer to just going ape shit. thankgod i don't own a gun. people, me included, would be dead. i'd either have killed everyone at work, or gone to berk and colin's on a night everyone was there and unleashed some hostility. i don't want to kill a bunch of strangers. the thing that gets me is that i am responsible for it all. for all rights and accounts, i should be dead, i can't believe no ones killed me.

I sat here for 20 minutes, and could think of nothing to tell myself or those that may read this. Everyone i know is dying or having kids or drunk. every song i hear, that isn't dance, is beautifully sad. every dollar i make, i spend. no matter what i do, i can't get dirt out of my fingernails. i got off work today and spent money. money i should save. money i don't really have. i told myself i wouldn't, but i did. gotta get that buzz. i'll be homeless in no time. i have people to look after me. but a friend in need is no friend at all. who's got a 1000 dollars to give me... with almost no hope of retribute. i don't know what language these guys are speaking, but it's the saddest language of all. each word is a tear. the only way i'm going to do anything is if i get out of richmond. maybe that's just what i tell myself. things are lookin up though. rae's trying to keep me in line, as much as anyone can. jake will be here soon i think. maybe if i have someone to look after, i'll better myself. i haven't had a good cry in awhile.